the broken trust

kadang2, when i constantly asking for help, pinjam itu ini.. deep down in my heart, it’s kinda test for my friends.. i want to see how far are they willing to help.. it’s not just financially.. but also, aku nak tengok siapa yg akn breakdown dulu..either sebab tak tahan tengok keadaan aku no progress, ataupon bengang aku manjang pinjam tapi tak ganti2 ke.. i really want to see who, what makes him/her tick, why n how will he/she tackle it..

i’m blessed having all these friends who kept helping, n even if they don’t or can’t, they don’t just ignore me which i’ve been telling them from day-1.. if u can’t or don’t want to , just say it straight to my face..no offence taken because it’s their right/money/want to enjoy their own fruit labour..tah betul ke tak term tu 🤣🤣.. but still, tu hak dia, literally sukahati dis la nak buat ape dengan hasil usaha  dia.. i understand that100%.. duit boleh usaha cari.. friendship bond is the one that hard to find.. so i always said.. kalau tak mampu or even taknak pon, cakap je.. won’t kecik hati at all..

but...haaaaa jeng jeng jeng..two broke down already, which is i’m totally  fine with it

out of all people, you’re the only person that i expected not to do this shit  when u broke..yes, i do expected you’re one of the first to break, but i would’ve never guessed this is how u tackle it..
i know your heart is in the right place, but what the fuck??

do u think it’s easy for me to watch u being treated like that all
those years? i may not as expressive/ outspoken as u, but this is not the way i would’ve done..like seriously, pale butoh ape weyh??

 when i first found out, aku sanpai tahap tak tau nak rasa ape.. tak dapat nak proses.. what i know is slightly relieved  coz i don’t have to break the news and i don’t know how to..yet..u were ahead of me for two weeks.. ye, RELIEVED.. but still ada rasa bnda yg sangat tak sedap kt perasaan ni and i don’t fucking know what was it (now i know la).. rasa sesak sangat dada..tangan menggigil..but i don’t know what

what would u feel if your best friend tell your husband that u’ve resigned for almost a year?

and to put it in your shoes, to make u understand the similarity of what u did
what would u feel if i tell your parents that your (ex)boyfriend has been living off u?been doing this n that businesses, and that guy spending it to his scandals?
 ye ko tak bagitau detail, but that trust..

aku terkilan..aku kecewa..aku sikit pon tak marah.. aku tau niat ko.. but not like this.. AT LEAST give me a heads up, or fucking tell me what u did.. not behind my fucking back..

but don’t worry..your past/present/future secrets safe with me..because i know how much it hurts.. i don’t want u to feel what i feel now, and i don’t want u to feel back the pain of what yana did to u..
u were crying and asking me to not to do what she did.. i’m the only girl that stays by your side while your already-forgiven  so-called girls sailang..

you’re may be outspoken and easy to forgive and forget.. but i do not.. not that i yearn for your apology, but the broken trust pain is something that’s hard for me to forget..

just ranting

i don’t know if it’s bipolar or depression or gangguan mistik that has got a hold of my heart or if it’s just a mood swing.. i don’t freaking know..

a friend of mine asked,
Z : is there anything that happened in your life that u still cannot accept?
ME : as a matter of fact, there is..
Z : then, i don’t think it’s just a mood swing.. i’ve been doing some reading, just to educate myself about mental health.. and i’m not in the place to make a conclusion and all that as i’m not a psych or even in medical field.. but one of the reason that i’ve read is that ko ada benda yg ko tak redha lagi dalam hidup ko.. ko takleh terima.. so i think better ko pergi check, confirmkan betul2 whether it’s real or not and it becomes worse..


i don’t know if it is because i tend to talk about it with a few people (kind of a lot actually).. but as far as i know, these people (that have mental issue) tend to keep it for themselves.. while me... kept on talking, and do nothing about it.. or maybe that means i’m an attention seeking bitch.. which is odd.. i’m proud of myself when i managed to become invisible most of the time, especially my circle of friends, most of them are the kind that stand out..A LOT.. eg: the most problematic one..the one that always speaks the bitter truth (also got the sharpest tongue)..PMC ladies intake.. PMC ladies.. i am close with all of them, individually..

people know i existed, they just don’t know who i am.. even i, as an individu, supposedly would stand out a lot.. but i can make myself invisible.. super skinny for my height, all boney.. the only ‘dewi’ for girl cadet..most senior girl there (hence : dewi, for guys : dewa) 🤣🤣.. the only extend girl (hence: most sr)..it’s a big deal in my uni as the juniors have to know ALL of the seniors (yes, i meant ALL) regardless their batch or major.. especially the most senior ones.. and despite being the one and only dewi, none of them knew who.. yes, i’m proud of that.. hahahahaha

or.. is it because of i didn’t get paid attention to, i’m becoming an attention seeker?
haishhh.. there’s a lot of possibilities..ahhh aku da pening.. tido lagi best